Jesus jokes are a unique blend of humor and religious references, often using biblical stories and characters in comedic contexts. These jokes can be both entertaining and thought-provoking, offering a lighthearted way to engage with religious themes. In this article, we’ll explore a collection of 113 Jesus jokes, ranging from clever wordplay to humorous situations involving Jesus and other biblical figures.
113 Jesus Jokes That Could Wake Lazarus Laughing
1. Jesus and the Honda-Jesus drove a Honda. He didn’t really talk about it, though. “For I did not speak of my own Accord” – John 12:49.
2. Three Days of Foreplay-Three days is a lot of foreplay to rise. . . Jesus Christ.
3. Hung Like This-Jesus walks into a motel, puts a handful of nails onto the desk, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”
4. The Loaf and Fishes-Jesus told some good and powerful jokes himself, like the loaf and fishes story.
5. Jesus’ Comeback-After a long day of helping poor people, Mary rubbed Jesus’ feet with nice-smelling oil. Some complained they should have sold it to raise money. Jesus replied, “Don’t worry, dude. There will always be enough poor people around for you to show off your generosity. ”
6. Nailed It-“Hey Jesus. . . you comfortable up there?” “Yup. . . you nailed it. ”
7. Hammered-The last time Jesus got hammered, it took him three days to recover.
8. Come to Jesus Shock-When working on a live chassis, touching metal with both hands is a “come to Jesus shock!”
9. Hockey-Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? He kept getting nailed into the boards.
10. Peter’s Call-Peter the Apostle is at Jesus’s crucifixion when he hears Jesus call his name. He rushes to the foot of the cross and says, “Yes, Master?” Immediately, two Roman guards grab Peter and march him away.
11. Jesus and Moses Golfing-Jesus hits a ball into the lake. Moses parts the water to retrieve it. Jesus says, “This time, it WILL be just like Tiger Woods. ” Moses replies, “This time, you can get it yourself!”
12. Walking on Water-As Jesus walks on water looking for his ball, someone says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses replies, “No, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods. ”
13. Poor Preacher-A church council told the pastor they couldn’t give him a raise. The pastor said, “I am but a poor preacher!” The council chair replied, “I know, we hear you every Sunday. ”
14. Alabama Jesus-A little girl said Jesus wasn’t from Alabama because the Lord’s Supper was the poorest meal she’d ever seen.
15. Bread and Wine-Jesus turned water into wine, but Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
16. Tiger Woods-Jesus says, “Watch this drive. It’ll be just like Tiger Woods. ” He hits the ball into the lake.
17. Hebrews and Coffee-A wife said to her husband, “You have to make the coffee. It’s in the Bible!” He asked, “Where?” She replied, “Hebrews!”
18. Holy Water-How do you make Holy Water? Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.
19. David the Babysitter-Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
20. Adam and Eve-Did Eve have a date with Adam? No, just an apple.
21. Abraham the Smartest-Who was the smartest man in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot.
22. Adam the Fastest-What was the first race mentioned in the Bible? Adam was the fastest because he was first in the human race.
23. God’s Nose-What does God call his nose? God knows.
24. Man Before Woman-Why did God create man before woman? Because He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.
25. Math Homework-When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible? When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
26. Sweaty Psalms-I went running with my Bible. . . Now my Psalms are sweaty.
27. Meat in the Bible-When was meat first mentioned in the Bible? When Noah took ham into the ark.
28. Peter’s Net Income-How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? By his net income.
29. Angels Greeting-How do angels greet each other? Halo, halo, halo.
30. Pastors and Orange Juice-How do pastors like their orange juice? With pulpit.
31. Moses’ Tablet-Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
32. Yo Mama-Yo mama is so old that she’s mentioned in the shout out at the end of the Bible.
33. Chuck Norris-Jesus turned water into wine, but Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
34. Adam’s Christmas-What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!
35. Job Search-Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible? He thought he saw a job.
36. Noah’s Ark-On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks? Quackers.
37. Bible and SpongeBob-There’s a lot of crossover between the Bible and SpongeBob? Both are quite holey.
38. Best-Selling Book-The Bible is one of the best-selling books in the world. It’s very prophetable.
39. Mosn’t-What do you call the parts of the Bible without Moses? Mosn’t.
40. Bible Accuracy-The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate. When thrown at a close-range, especially.
41. Cross Referencing-I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible. Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.
42. Pharaoh’s Daughter-Who was the greatest female businessperson in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
43. Jesus’ Car-What type of car does Jesus drive? A Christ-ler. Actually, him and his apostles were all in one Accord.
44. Noah’s Boat-What did pirates call Noah’s boat? “The arrrrrrk. ”
45. Boaz and Truth-Why did Boaz hate lying? Because he loved truth.
46. Goliath-Why didn’t anyone want to fight Goliath? It seemed like a giant ordeal.
47. Spiritual Fruit-What’s a believer’s favorite fruit? Spiritual.
48. God’s Will-What did the lawyer ask when someone started talking about God’s will? “Was it notarized?”
49. Eucharist Card Game-What’s a Christian’s favorite card game? Eucharist.
50. Eve and the Big Apple-Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? She fell for the Big Apple.
51. Adam’s First Word-What was the first word out of Adam’s mouth when he first saw Eve? Whoa man! Thus, the word “woman” was created.
52. Joke Backfired-I told this joke to my wife and she left me for another man!!!!!
53. Jonah and the Ocean-Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean? Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
54. Noah the Financier-Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
55. Solomon’s Temple-Where was Solomon’s temple located? On the side of his head.
56. First Tennis Match-Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
57. Noah’s Deck-Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck.
58. Untrustworthy Cheetah-What animal could Noah not trust? Cheetah.
59. Boaz Before Marriage-What kind of man was Boaz before he married? Ruthless.
60. Zacchaeus the Locksmith-Which Bible character is a locksmith? Zacchaeus.
61. Joshua’s Parents-Which Bible character had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun.
62. Johnny’s Pain-Johnny thought he was going to have a wife because he had a pain in his side, like Adam when Eve was created.
63. Job’s Language-Which biblical character was the youngest to speak foul language? Job, because he cursed the day he was born.
64. Adam the Baptist-How do we know Adam was a Baptist? Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.
65. Moses the Sinner-Who is the biggest sinner in the Bible? Moses, he broke all the commandments at once.
66. Bible Fetish-I think I have a Bible fetish. I just came to that revelation.
67. Terminal Illness-A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal illness. . . They have Mass.
68. Nehemiah’s Height-Who was the shortest man in the Bible? Nehemiah (knee-high-miah).
69. Paul the Surfer-Who was the 1st surfer in the Bible? Paul. In Acts, he “came ashore on a board”!
70. Cain and Abel-To what extent did Cain abhor his sibling? For whatever length of time that he was Abel.
71. King Solomon-Which king in the Bible preferred to do everything alone? King Solomon.
72. Disciples’ Travel-How did the 12 disciples travel? By driving a Honda. The Bible says they were all in one Accord.
73. Jesus’ Nursery Rhyme-Which nursery song would Jesus have heard the most? “Mary Had a Little Lamb. ”
74. Ezekiel’s Prophecy-Which book of the major prophets is the easiest to understand? Ezekiel.
75. Believers’ Boats-What types of boats do believers want to go on? Discipleship and worship.
76. Cardinals and Feathers-Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled? The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
77. Pharaoh’s Denial-Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go? He was in ‘de Nile.
78. Moses’ Age-If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man? Because he would be several thousand years old.
79. Gumby’s Favorites-Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters? Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
80. German Shepherds-What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds.
81. Noah’s Lights-What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark? Floodlights.
82. Bible Bulletproof-My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a Bible in his jacket pocket. So he had something to read as he bled to death.
83. Studying the Bible-What is the best way to study the Bible? You Luke into it.
84. Jesus the Carpenter-How do we know cars are in the New Testament? Because Jesus was a car-painter (carpenter).
85. Fowl Language-Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark? Because they were using “fowl” language.
86. Feathered Creature-Why did the falcon sit on the congregation steeple? Since it was a feathered creature of ask.
87. Zacchaeus the Locksmith Again-Which Bible character is a locksmith? Zacchaeus.
88. Absalom’s Fitness-Which Bible character was super-fit? Absalom.
89. Habakkuk the Chef-What do you call a prophet who’s also a chef? Habakkuk.
90. Paul’s Greeting-How did Paul greet his friend? “Give me Phi-lemon!”
91. Jacob’s Cheer-How did Jacob cheer on his grandson? “You’re the Manasseh!”
92. Samson and Delilah-Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah? He didn’t want to split hairs.
93. Atheist Reader-What do you call a person who’s read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice? An atheist.
94. Baseball in the Bible-Is baseball mentioned in the Bible? Yes! In the “big inning. ”
95. Priestly Style-Do priests who do mass without a Bible. . . Doing it priestyle?
96. Running from Sin-I wanted to go jogging but Proverbs 28:1 says “The wicked run when no one is chasing them” so there’s that.
97. Hebrews and Coffee Again-All men should make coffee for their women; it says it right in the Bible “Hebrews”.
98. Cajun Adam and Eve-I wish Adam and Eve could have been Cajuns; they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake.
99. Adam’s Computer-The oldest computer can be tracked back to Adam and Eve. Surprise! Surprise! It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
100. Dust and Dust-You come from dust, you will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust; it could be someone I know.
101. Guardian Angel Therapy-I’m on my second guardian angel; my first one quit and is now in therapy.
102. Jesus and the Motel-Jesus walks into a motel, puts a handful of nails onto the desk, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”
103. Jesus’ Comeback Again-Jesus replied to critics, “Don’t worry, dude. There will always be enough poor people around for you to show off your generosity. ”
104. Peter’s Mistake-Peter the Apostle is at Jesus’s crucifixion when he hears Jesus call his name. He rushes to the foot of the cross and says, “Yes, Master?” Immediately, two Roman guards grab Peter and march him away.
105. Golfing with Moses-Jesus hits a ball into the lake. Moses parts the water to retrieve it.
106. Walking on Water Again-As Jesus walks on water looking for his ball, someone says, “Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?” Moses replies, “No, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods. ”
107. Poor Preacher Again-A church council told the pastor they couldn’t give him a raise. The pastor said, “I am but a poor preacher!” The council chair replied, “I know, we hear you every Sunday. ”
108. Alabama Meal-A little girl said Jesus wasn’t from Alabama because the Lord’s Supper was the poorest meal she’d ever seen.
109. Water into Wine-Jesus turned water into wine, but Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
110. Tiger Woods Drive-Jesus says, “Watch this drive. It’ll be just like Tiger Woods. ” He hits the ball into the lake.
111. Hebrews and Coffee Once More-A wife said to her husband, “You have to make the coffee. It’s in the Bible!” He asked, “Where?” She replied, “Hebrews!”
112. Holy Water Recipe-How do you make Holy Water? Get regular water and boil the devil out of it.
113. Bible Accuracy Test-The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate. When thrown at a close-range, especially.
Conclusion
Jesus jokes offer a unique blend of humor and religious themes, providing a lighthearted way to engage with biblical stories and characters. These jokes are not meant to offend but rather to bring joy and laughter to those who enjoy them. Whether they involve clever wordplay or humorous situations, Jesus jokes are a creative way to approach religious humor.
